My extreme sickness with this pregnancy started in mid-October. We didn't have one more support meeting after that. If our support had not been raised before that point, I do not see how I could have physically handled trying to coordinate or attend meetings. I praise God for raising our support before I got so sick.
Now, as I sit in a hotel room the night before I depart for Africa, I am once again amazed. A simple post on Facebook notifying our many prayer warriors of the remaining monthly shortage has prompted more families to commit to support us monthly as well as donate one time gifts. We are overwhelmed. We are fully supported. When I look at the list of people who represent so many thousands of dollars and countless prayers, I am moved to tears. Words cannot express what I feel in my heart.
At times I begin to feel like it's just us going out to do this. And I lay awake at night and wonder if I am crazy. Who up and leaves their family to move to a remote town in the heart of Africa? Who takes their child a world away from his grandparents, not knowing what kind of communication we will be able to maintain? Who spends weeks making trips back and forth to the Goodwill only to look at the trunk of a car and realize, "this is all I own"? Who takes a shower wondering if this is the last hot water I'll enjoy for years? I really do feel crazy. Maybe I am! But, there are a lot of crazy people behind us who are cheering us on. And I am once again reminded that I'm not the only one making sacrifices. A long list of faithful believers are praying and giving on our behalf so that Africa might see the light of Christ and be changed for eternity.
My sweet sister in law wrote a song called "I Will Go." If I were tech-savy, I could link it to this page. I am not. However, I can copy the words so you can understand why this song is so special to us. She wrote it in high school after reading about the martyrs of the faith. When Jonathan and I first began writing about our mutual interest in missions, he e-mailed me the file of this song. My 17 year old heart could barely comprehend the wisdom behind the words in the second verse. Now I understand. And now I have to look deep down into my mother's heart as I sing these words, to test and see if what I am saying is true.
Lord, do I love you enough?
Enough to sacrifice every other love?
And Lord, am I willing to stand
On my own, and place my dreams in your hands?
My desire is to the walk narrow road
And if suffering is where you've called me,
Father, I will go
I will go, I will do
What I know has come from you
I will say what you command me to say
I choose your way
Lord, I will go
Lord, it easier now
To pledge my hopes and dreams to you
To make a vow
But, Lord, it will not always be
For one day you may bless me with a family
And I'll desire to hope and dream for them
So I pray you will give me strength
To say once again,
I will Go
And if you call me unto death,
I will not hold on to life
But willingly I'll choose your way
And I will go
I will go
Father, here I am
Despite the ache I feel and the struggle I now know as a mother and protector of my children, I can still say, "I will go." However, if it weren't for all of you, I wouldn't be able to go. So, thank you.